guilt

I am having a guilty day today. I feel guilty for not staying home with Cole. I feel guilty for leaving him at day care. I feel guilty for not being able to spend enough time with him. I feel guilty for not being the mother that I feel like I should be. I feel guilty for getting aggravated at him sometimes. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.
(on a side note...the more times I type the word "guilty" the more it looks like I'm misspelling it).

I went to see Cole at lunch today just to spend a little time with him and get some snuggles in. It made me feel a ton better...until I left. He screamed and cried big ol' fat tears. Dagger, meet my heart. A small part of me feels like, "okay, at least I know he loves me" (as much as a 10 month old can love). But, that little part of me is completely overshadowed by a big dark cloud of guilt.

I know in my brain that it's very difficult to live these days without two salaries. I know that by having two salaries we are going to be able to provide more for Cole that we would otherwise. I am able to set money aside for his college. I can buy him organic baby food if I feel like it and not worry about the extra $.50 it costs per package. I can buy him the brand name formula. If we were on one salary I probably wouldn't be able to do that.

But, oh, the guilt. The look on his face when I leave and he has tears streaming down his face. I turn the corner and look through the window into his room, and he's already stopped crying. I get that. He's fine in like five seconds. But, it doesn't erase the feeling I feel when I see him in another person's arms as I walk out the door. Day after day after day.

Guilt.